My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, “Do it. Become the plane you’ve always dreamed of. I love you.” *Soft kiss*

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Two twins are looking through a family photo album “It’s not you, it’s me” They both say in unison.

The problem with being gay It’s a pain in the ass

I saw that show locked up abroad. I expected to see more than just a women getting locked up. But that’s all it was, that show is so literal.

Two hillbillies were playing chess..

I’m more of an amateur bater. I agree, I need more practice.

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

The Blonde Waitress Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please? Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?