Do you know what happens when gay marriage is legalized? BREAKING NEWS: California’s drought is over. Water supply flourishing from the tears of the racist, homophobic, and conservative southerners

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it WIFE: well santas not real, hun ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

If your mule ate my prize winning bird, what would you have? My 3 foot cock in your ass!

[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?

How do Filipinos count money? One-a two-a three-a four-a another-a …

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Ever heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

I asked a Jewish girl for her number… She rolled up her sleeve