COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?” ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

I have so much pubic hair I can start a cattle ranch

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

How do rhinos like their eggs? Poached.

What day do most mothers give birth? Labor day.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

A builder came up to me. He said, “Do you know how to make a fruit stand?” “Yes,” I said. “You just have to balance it on a flat surface.”

Sometimes I do things to children that they’re too young to understand… …such as teaching them calculus and microbiology.

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologise’ mean the same thing.. .. except when at a funeral.

Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob? (No- what?) Want to get lunch sometime?