Once all serial killers decided to compete for the most kills It was a cut throat competition

that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse

How does a police officer go to the bathroom? Ctrl+C

A guy and his dog Guy walks up to his dog and says “I need a divorce” The dog replies “yeah, my wife is a bitch too.”

Let me make an iphone joke Never mind, Ill just come up with a new one

Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? He was *too far out, maaan*.

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! (Credit to the Pythons)

Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.