I’d do anything to never be hungover again Except stop drinking

If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic!

Hey, having a good conversation with the cashier? Great. Hurry the fuck up. We have lives, sort of.

What do you call the facility where they make lower quality, but still acceptable, goods? The satisfactory.

Thanks to my recent change to a healthier lifestyle, I am no longer fat and ugly Now I’m just ugly

There’s a German shepherd next door who keeps burying under my fence and shitting in the flower bed His dog is just as bad

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT. Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Orange Soda I’ve always dreamt of having a cock as long as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda, and just as wide. It’s just Fanta-sea really

“I see people.” – The Fifth Sense

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun” ~My son apparently