Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?

An alcoholic walks into a candy store… then a table, then a chair, floor.

My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her. It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer? Detective: He’s white Other detective: A muscular build Me: He kills people

What do you call someone who blows himself up by accident? An Errorist!

[On stage at comedy club] “Doritos: 11 chips per serving” *audience erupts in laughter* “Oreos: 3 cookies per serving” *audience loses it*

Using a macbook is like making love to a woman There are so many things to do with your fingers, but none of them work.

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk… budumdum tssssss

I have one trophy on reddit. Dust

Why are seals such homebodies? Because clubbing isn’t any fun.