When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

So my friend told me I don’t understand the meaning of irony… It was ironic because I was sitting on a park bench.

Why couldn’t the two melons get married? Because they cantaloupe! I’ll see myself out now…

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

What did the New York Salmon say to the driver? I’m swimming here!

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.

What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon ? *…Tennish…*

I have over 500 FB friends but only 6 actual friends. And, I don’t even like 2 of them…

What do u call a greedy lesbian? Bush hog.