What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!

I told a joke about noble gasses the other day. There was no reaction.

You know how when you’re in high school and you get “senioritis” and your brain shuts down? When does it come back on?

People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.

Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

How do you drown a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice. Put a line of peas around the hole. When the polar bear takes a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

I used to have a phone with a really good user interface… …but someone swiped it.

It was my son’s birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta Me: what is that? Dr: what is what? Me: sumatta Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

What will the “Red Hot Chili Peppers” become when they die? Ghost Peppers.