They said “orange is the new black”… …but I didn’t realise they meant Trump would replace Obama.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime? Miscarriage of Justice

I weighed myself today, then I ate the scale.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven. I laughed. … She stared at me until I paid her.

My nutritionist said that instead of eating three big cheeseburgers I should have multiple, smaller cheeseburgers throughout the day

Why were the sneakers so sad? Because they had ten issues.

Who plays center forward for the vampire football team? The ghoulscorer.