My favorite book to read on the toilet is “The Shining.” It scares the shit outta me.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

What’s brown and sticky? Anal.

Why did Beethoven never answer the doorbell? They weren’t invented yet.

You hear the joke about the frenzied mob? It’s a riot.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu… Me: *loads nutrigun* Cashier: What the heck?

Are you Finished? [X-post from Funny] Its a joke/comic thing. This is it–> http://imgur.com/GskWG

Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? [NSFW] You don’t pay $200 to have a garbanzo on your face

a dude sitting next to me in the ER asked how to spell ankle & then correctly identified Rush Hour by a scene without jchan or chris tucker