Adrian Veidt’s wife walks into his bedroom and finds him with another woman. As she approaches him with angry tears, he says “I did it 35 minutes ago.”

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

What’s the difference between the ISIS headquarters and a kindergarten? I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

I always study the vagina before sex Because I like to know what I’m getting myself into

Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

If you want to get your beer cold out in the wilds Look for the cool ants.

What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.

Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!

What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? Drowns.