Two Fish there was two fish in a tank and one of the fish said do you know how to drive this thing BECAUSE THE FISH ARE DRIVEING THE TANK IN A WAR

I’m 49 and my girlfriend is 5 months pregnant! What do you guys think we should do?

Is this the real life? Are you a manatee? Let’s beat up french fries I should lay off the LSD

What does a sick deception eat? A bowl of Chicken noodle coupe

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? Short.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife’s around.

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.

“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”

Why do the french have so many civil wars? Because they like to win one every now and then