How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his entire family

My phone got arrested today… It was charged with battery.

What do you call a twig that won’t stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick.

Me: So, you come here often? Him: …..we’re in my house.

What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness

My Wife made me choose between her, and my Love of Pointing out Doors “If you want to leave” I told her, “There’s the Door”

What did the spy say at the glass beach? *The coast is clear*

What kind of robbery is not dangerous? A safe robbery.

At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14