The Samsung Galaxy S6… The Samsung Galaxy S6 has a worse memory loss than your grandmother’s Alzheimer [First joke, go easy, pretty please?]

*horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into a bar* *horse walks into an optometrist* Horse: Holy shit please help me

What’s worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea? Getting the news from your dentist

Sandpaper I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Gosh, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

What do you call a sad terrorist? A crisis

I met a guy recently who was a really good runner, but could only win races in wet weather. They call him the Raining Champion.

Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long? They’re over two feet

What do you call a trespassing camper? Criminal intent

[Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?