In the news, two nuts walked through Central Park today… One was a salted.

Who was the only president that was not guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent.

After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.

Never been to the blindfold shooting range? You don’t know what you’re missing.

“C’mon, your relationship isn’t *that* serious.” – Las Vegas

Don’t forget to tell everyone how you love Fridays because we were all wondering how you feel about them.

What did the testicle say to the other testicle? “Between you and me, I think something’s up.” I’m slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

Two part joke Q. How does an elephant hide in an apple tree? A. He paints his balls red. Q. What’s the loudest sound in Africa? A. Giraffes eating apples.