If George Washington were alive today… he’d be clawing at the inside of his coffin and screaming incoherently.

technically speaking being gay used to make me happy

* Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!

What does one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they’re both stuck up bitches

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to turkey!

Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly. Edit: an adverb.

I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

Mary had a little lamb. …and she was delicious!

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer: IT guy: Have you tried punching it? Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

Is it a blow job or a blowjob? Fuck I hate writing thank you cards…