Two space shuttle crews watched Felix Baumgartner and thought: “WE COULD HAVE HAD PARACHUTES?”

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Canada is not a vast empty woodland. Our monetary system proves our civility. 5 beavers is worth a caribou 4 caribous are worth a loon And 2 loons are worth a polar bear.

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

What do you call an orc’s wolf with particularly short legs? A Worgi

Why can’t gay people drive while they’re aroused? Because they can’t think straight.

“I just love a girl in uniform” Appropriate on the battlefield, but not at your local schoolyard.

What’s the difference? What’s the difference between a midget acrobatic team and a girls track team? The midgets are a bunch of cunning runts.

[NSFW] Why did the priest cum on the little boy’s face twice? Because Jesus said to turn the other cheek