I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.

A UDP packet walks into a I would tell you another UDP joke but you might not get it.

What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic!

What do a horny ornithologist and a Na’vi buff have in common? They both get turned on by blue tits.

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn’t… I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

Wanna meet Santa’s little helper?

I was going to grease my mechanic’s hand with a $20 bill for the phenomenal job he did but … he already overcharged me by $200.

How do like really laid-back types answer the phone? Mellow.

My niece was fired from the chicken farm today She was caught poaching eggs