Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles

A man got arrested for assaulting someone with a defibrillator. The victim said that he was gonna press charges.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Hide a Body? What’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies… and idiots!

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

“i want to love you, but i have crust issues.” -pizza on a date i dont know i hate myself

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on. Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*