What’s the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.

A Zach Galifinakis-style “impression” joke. The character I’m working on is: MOMENTARILY CONFUSED BATMAN <husky voice>: Alfred… <regular voice>: Ahem… I mean hey Alfred

I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

If I win this lottery I’d give half to charity She treated me well at the strip club

Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I’m not sure but certainly rings a bell.

Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the tree bark.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

Let’s make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.

A barbed-wire tattoo on my arm keeps my arm horses from running away

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG