I think my professor might not know my name. He keeps on correcting it with the word “Late” on all my papers.

Oh, you want me to watch everything you have in less than the one-month free trial period? Challenge accepted, Netflix.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.

What has two eyes but can’t see, two wings but can’t fly, and two legs but can’t walk? A dead bird.

What do you get when you mix triangles with Tumblr? Trigger-Nometry

What do you call a dog that is a magician? A Labara Cadabarador

8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight? Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week. 8: What? Me: Nothing. 8: I’m telling mom.

What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade? He was having a mid-life crisis.

I like my women like I like my microwaves… Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a bitch