remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

The new fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account.

A guy walked up to my bar. He said, “Can I have a stiff drink?” “Of course,” I replied, cracking some Viagra pills into his whiskey.

Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?” Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”

After a dream I had last night, credits rolled. I had no idea so many people worked on those things.

Why was the band late to their gig? Because the drummer locked himself in the car with the keys.

I See your 7 year old jokes and I raise my own, What do you get when you cross the ocean with a Train Station? A Whale Way

When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”

Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically? Goes better with their eyes.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when… The tree you swerved for is actually the air-freshener.