Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

Waiter is there soup on the menu ? No madam I wiped it off !

HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU 1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU WHY DIDN’T YOU HELP

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients, *asshole*.

If a white person eats a dessert and no one is around to Instagram it, did it even happen?

Whats the number one reason for Pedophilia? Sexy children.

[mouse plane] mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking- *mouse passengers squeal with delight*

Why aren’t any atheists buying a PS4 Pro? They don’t believe in higher power.

Confession: I’m the one who’s been posting all those idiotic comments on youtube using millions of anonymous accounts.

What do you call a dumb nerd? A geek.