Simon: I wrote a song Garfunkel: *reads lyrics* Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

So I asked this swiss dude to tell me something good about living in Switzerland. “Well” he said “the flag is a big plus!”

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date? He wax off

I cant get on Tumblr anymore… My doctor told me to cut down on Trans-Fats

I was going to major in cosmetology.. ..but then they shut down the space program.. idiots.

Why do melons have traditional marriages? Because they cantaloupe

Did you hear the one about the perfume store? I heard their manufacturing was in an ol’ factory.

What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.

Dear Lord, Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!