[first date] Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa* Him: You look nice tonight Me: *smiles ambiguously*

I couldn’t afford to take my kids to Sea World. So I took them to our local fish market, saying, “Shhhh… they’re all asleep.”

What is worse than biting through an apple, and finding a worm inside? ~~Rape~~ The picky fuckers on this website.

I think my wife has a habit of walking in her sleep Every morning I find her sleeping in someone else’s bed.

My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..

I ate the last piece of flan that my wife and I have been fighting over I won the custardy battle.

Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls Good Girls Open Few Buttons In Hot Atmosphere, But Bad Girls Open All Buttons To Make The Atmosphere Hot.

Today is National Pasta Day I have a friend that would have loved today, but sadly she’s pastaway

I don’t know what disturbs me more about my attraction towards my girlfriends mother. The fact that she’s 51 or the fact that she’s also my mother.

What do you call rude fungi? Shiit-talking mushrooms