What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.

I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

One woodworm met another. “How’s life?” she asked. “Oh same as usual” he replied “boring.”

I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s prefer women at their own maturity level. That explains why they date women half their age.

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? a PILOT, you fucking racist!

Patron: How come this fly is swimming in my soup? Waiter: I gave you too much. It should be wading.

Football is like Sex your mom sucks at both