All women are crazy but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that? Me: No Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin* Me: Nah Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

What’s the difference between a normal pirate and a sexy pirate? The type of booty they plunder.

Two Scotsmen walk past a baker One turns to the other and says ‘Is that a cake or a meringue?’ The other replies ‘no you’re right, it’s a cake’

If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.

If looks could kill, I’d still use a baseball bat.

Whenever I put on my Ocean Pacific (op) pants I feel I must say something meaningful.

What kind of pizzas can tell the future? Medium Pizzas

For a very short period of time, you were the youngest person in the world. #mindblowing

Dodged the bullet A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.