A Roman guy walks into a bar… He holds up two fingers and says “Five beers please!”

Q: What is the blonde’s chronic speech impediment? A: She can’t say “No”.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Fifty Shades of Grey instills that if a dude is sexy and rich you should allow him contractual ownership of your body because helicopters.

My wife caught me masturbating to one of those magic eye pictures. I told her it’s not what it looks like

How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.

Two polar bears were sitting in a bathtub The first one says “Give me the soap”. The second one says “no soap. radio”.

My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they’ve gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.

What’s the difference between jam and jelly? I can’t jelly my dick up your ass.

Even reddit goes down more often… than my girlfriend.