Two ducks are arguing in a bar about quantum physics… One turns to the other and says, ‘Quark Quark’ The other says, I’ll have a Harvey Schrodinger, thanks’.

I want to study… the area below your curves… It is integral.

Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement… . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click ‘I agree’.

Why do I tell jokes in elevators? Because they’re funny on many levels.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

What do you call a nomadic caveman? A meanderthal.

I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say “He’s in a better place now.”

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

What did the neckbeard say while giving the eulogy for his extremely flatulent friend? Rip in peace