Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize? He’s out standing in his field.

Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.

A little boy walked into a police station “I lost my daddy” says the boy. “We’ll look for him son, don’t worry: what’s he like?” asked the officer. “Liquor and women.”

My Wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall… I said maybe……….

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby. Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

In god we trust Everyone else must pay cash

What Cell Phone Company does Usain Bolt use? Sprint

I was dating an analog synthesizer But I had to break it off. She was just continuously variable.

What do you call a baby seal between two slices of bread? A clubbed sandwich

How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him.