Why couldn’t the chameleon change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction.

What’s the difference between a plumber and a scientist? Pronounce this word: unionized

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

You smell like trash….. Can I take you out?

My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says “Your password is incorrect”, I type in: “incorrect” and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this )

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

As a kid I was forced to walk the plank… We couldn’t afford a dog

gave my wife a pedicure just so I could write in my diary “I nailed her…10 TIMES IN A ROW”. Ha ha, jokes on you, Masculinity.