I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator. He was such a flatterer.

i’m a homewrecker in the sense that i got sick out both ends in the attic and it soaked through the ceiling in 3 different rooms

What does a pirate call his idiot son? A retarrrrrd

I loaned my cell phone to Bill Cosby Now I can’t get it to wake up.

whats the secret service of Australia called? M8

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last tweet.

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he’s homeless.

What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate.

do all girls make poopy? if they do, why do men get hard for them?