Since I started dating my girlfriend a year ago I became a millionaire! 6 months ago I was a billionaire 🙁

Hey dude! Would we be considered in-laws if I slept with your wife? No… we’d be even.

Why did the noodles go to rehab? To get yakisoba.

My wife’s credit card got stolen and she doesn’t know how… I do, I’ve been praying for a financial miracle.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night… But it’s OK. I don’t think we could have stayed anyway, we didn’t have a reservation.

I was sitting on the train this morning, and I saw a really sexy Thai girl I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection”, but she did.

Everyone needs a three hour nap after their breakfast pizza, right?

If you want to set up and run a small company… …that’s your business