I only date right handed women… Righty tighty, lefty loosey

Ate a salad for lunch so basically I didn’t eat lunch.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife is dead.

Flavor Flav turns 51 today. He’ll spend a quiet day at home, still resting up after a weekend of moving clocks forward.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.

Why kind of cigarettes do Hawaiians smoke? Mahalo bro lights.

I hate people who think it’s cool to take drugs …like customs officers

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

Can’t believe my neighbors don’t have any rum. How am I supposed to enjoy their hot tub while they’re on vacation?