The phrase ‘lazy asshole’ is an oxymoron… Because an asshole gets shit done.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

What did the mermaid do last Saturday night? She went out with the tide.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I farted in a room full of hipsters.. then watched them fight over who heard it first.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common? The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.

Whats the difference between Santa Clause and me ? Santa Only Cums Once A Year