It’s green but when you press a button it turns red. A frog in a blender.

Late to Fight Club Was late to my Fight Club last night so I missed the intro rules. I love Fight Club, I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

Billy Mays is in heaven now… Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it’s $19.99.

“So, doctor, do I have cancer or not?” “Oh Jesus Christ, holy shit, tons of it,” said the doctor to Martin Shkreli.

What do James Cameron and M. Night Shamylan have in common? Icy dead people.

On TV shows, answering machines are actually saying leave a message after the fuck.

Harry is a? Fucking WIZARD!

Why do geologists perform so well during intercourse? They really know how to make bedrock.

What do you call someone who discriminates you for your oral hygiene? A dent*ist*.

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra. The mom asks, “Why on earth do you need that?” The little boy replies, “isn’t that what you give dad when HIS shit won’t get hard?!”