how to get into shape: 1. punch a bear 2. run. this is your life now

Money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

[around campfire] ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song? KIDS: Yeah! ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? (Slightly NSFW) A lick-a-lot-a-puss.

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

What did the pirates say who stole Kim Kardashians jewelry? We wanted her booty!

I always eat at McDonald’s when they do the Monopoly pieces. 1 in 4 wins obesity.

My wife’s star sign was cancer and it’s actually quite ironic how she died.. She was attacked by a crab.