[at funeral] “it was so sudden” really? “yeah right in the middle of rap battle” I thought you said he died of dysentery TERRY: That’s right

Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.

Well I was going to donate blood today until…. the lady got all personal and started asking, “Who’s blood is this?” and “How did you get it?”

What do DNA and Diarrhea have in common? They both run in your jeans (genes)

When googling Gary Oldman I highly suggest not forgetting the “R”

My ex broke up with me but left a bag of chips in my car. 3 weeks passed and I texted “I still got your chips if you want them.”

I accidentally left a butt plug up her ass for 2 weeks… No shit

Q: Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy? A: Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they’d be aspirin tablets!

I just got back from r/Synesthesia It tasted great!

Knock knock..Who’s there?..Interrupting coefficient of friction.. The interrupting coeff— MU!