A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

why did hitler commit suicide? Because he saw the gas bill (Thanks nofx)

They’re remaking Ocean’s 11 with an all-female cast and it’s gonna be called Ocean’s 8 It’s that damn wage gap I tell ya!

[Enter restaurant] WIFE: See if you can get us a table ME: Ok [1 minute later] ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Can I get a pina colada please. ‘This is Starbucks’ Sorry, can I have venti pina colada.

Why do scuba divers roll backwards out of the boat? Cause if they rolled forwards, they would still be in the boat.

What do you call a computer that only plays sad songs? Adele

What do you get when you combine Avogadro’s number of avocados? GuacaMole!

I showed up later to dinner yesterday because I was baking a turkey. I’m the turkey. Il see myself to the kitchen table.

Wanna heare a joke about potassium? K