Proper punctuation… Proper punctuation is the difference between “helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse” It’s a classic, but a good one

The Walking Dead Season Finale Check back in six months for the punchline.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

What is the Pope’s favorite type of woman? Nun

A pirate’s walking down the beach…. …when he comes across a little girl. The litter girl says, “Hey Pirate! Where’s your buccaneers??” The pirate responds, “tucked inside my buck’n hat!!”

Bough some shoes from my drug dealer. They were pretty nice

[Touring Italy] Guide: Bathroom anyone? Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza Guide: That’s Pisa Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza

Chicks with big tits always seem to say the right things.

This mallard waddled into a bar… Should’ve ducked.

Ironically its exactly 12 steps from my car to the liquor store