Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

When I was younger, I was given a choice: a good memory or a long dong. I can’t remember which I chose.

What do toads drink ? Croaka-cola !

What’s the difference between Iceland and Ireland? A consonant.

What kind of cheese is made backwards? Edam.

Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.

A pharmacy was just robbed. A pharmacy was just robbed $500,000. Security camera footage recorded the criminal taking 2 bottles of aspirin and a Zoloft.

Interviewer: Where were you born? Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That’s not what I meant. M: I don’t care.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Alistair ! Alistair who ? Alistairs in this house are broken !

My wife is so moody at Christmas, I blame the festive period.