It’s funny how liberals think Donald Trump oppresses women and hates gays Like he’s a Muslim or something.

How many cats does it take for a woman to qualify as a “crazy cat lady?” None. Just a couple of youtube cat videos.

I like cheese more than I like most people.

The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war while French people remove the red and blue colour

[school teacher job interview] Can I ask you some questions? I don’t know CAN you? haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

Normally I can’t dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

[breakfast table] Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms? 8: Not me 9: Not me CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

A blind dude walks into a bar. Ouch.