Did you hear about the man who choked on an issue of The Guardian after learning about his brothers passing? He found the news hard to swallow.

What do you call an inspiring jerk session? A stroke of genius!

H: You look nice. Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one? Me: Yep

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees? In the Ark-hives.

Student: Teacher, can I ask you a question? Teacher: You just did.

“Man, what’s eating you today? *looks down* I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

What do elephants do in the evenings ? Watch elevision !

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

One hair in my soup Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. – And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!