My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.

What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky

[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he’s a crossing guard dad

What’s the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One’s a cunning runt and the other’s a running cunt.

Why does an elephant have 4 Feet? Because it would look ridiculous with 8 inches.

What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!

Ay’ girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb

The only thing better than sarcasm… is irony.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too.