COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude COP: Just go. I give up.

[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

I repaired my drum set after my son broke it… … … Now he has to deal with the repercussions.

I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun… I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn’t that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

I think r/jokes may be glitched Top of all time and new both show the same jokes

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Funeral Home Barbie …complete with hearse coffin and kicky little shroud