What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes

NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider. You’re welcome.

What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw

My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It’s all over now.

me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi’s fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend

What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.

How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.

Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

Don’t touch my twat my itchy twitchy twat …. Miley Cyrus. Ba dum tish