The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.

The people in this ad look ‘indie’ & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products

What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father? An orphan.

A hawk snatched my gf’s chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.

Why don’t prison inmates just use liquid soap?

What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard.

What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk

Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22 one to screw it in 21 to shoot the bulb.