Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.

The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight… I can see it coming.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and says, “I’m going to shoot whoever slept with my wife”! A man shouts from the back, “You don’t got enough bullets, bud”!

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That’s not my stile.

The Donner Party Diet Breakfast: Jacks Lunch: Franks Dinner: Patties

What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he’s bored? He racism.

Q. What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!