What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said “Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore….”

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

Well, I had to break up with the baker i’ve been dating She was just too kneady

What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful

TIL I’m genetically predisposed to love heroin It’s in my blood

How do you spot two bffs in prison They finish each other’s sentences

I’m a terrible singer, I have two left throats

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch? Phil