When I lived on a houseboat I was seeing the girl next door, but eventually we drifted apart.

Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.

What’s a dinosaur’s least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk

A man goes to the vet about his dog’s fleas. The vet says: ‘I’m sorry, I’ll have to put this dog down.’ The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: ‘Because he’s far too heavy.’

Broken pencils… …are pointless.

A girl grabbed my cock and said, “Wow! Your dick wouldn’t make a very good clock.” “Why?” I asked, intrigued. “Because I’d struggle to get a second hand on it,” she replied.

ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should be called Babies Were US C: … ME: Get me your manager

What did Jay say when Adnan opened the trunk? Hae girl Hae